25andhomeagain

Poor Mom.  She’s spent the past 27 years of her life trying to be an excellent mother, and unfortunately for her, she’s been brilliant at it.  Therefore she’s constantly stuck in the middle of her children’s sibling rivalry, because of course, we know that Mom is there ready to listen, to comfort, to console, to fix the problems.  Of course she’s getting it from both sides (sometimes 3 sides, 4 if my sister-in-law joins in), but that’s OK because we know that Mom will go out of her way to be fair and attempt to make everyone as happy as possible, probably ending up miserable herself, but still getting the “best Mom ever” award.  It makes me think that I might be better off making my kids hate me when I get around to having children.

Christmas and boyfriends are currently the centre stage of the sibling rivalry.  Except my sister just upped the anti - she got engaged.  Now, the scot cynically asked me if she did this just because she wanted to make sure that the limelight would still be on her at Christmas, since she did this only a couple of weeks after learning the scot was coming for Christmas.  I said no she didn’t, but some part of me wonders if some part of her didn’t have just that intention.

It doesn’t help that I inherited my mother’s lets try to make everyone happy gene, which in my case means surrendering to my sister’s whims and demands as much as I possibly can without feeling like my own self-respect is going out the window, because my giving in helps mom keep the peace.  Unfortunately it doesn’t keep me from being mad at my sister, who doesn’t want my strange boyfriend in the house but is happy to thrust her now fiance in my face my life and my bathroom, not to mention my Christmas traditions because if she’s in love with him it can’t possibly bother me.  She got the ‘I hate change, I dictate what is change, and her bringing in any one new is definitely change, so get him out gene.  This is attached to the same gene that has her throw a fit if mom changes the furniture around. Its the same gene that has always had her making mom feel incredibly guilty for doing anything that alters the perfect scene in her mind. Which of course makes me make mom feel guilty when I don’t want to change my plans to fit my sister’s perfect world, which she often doesn’t disclose until after everyone else has decided to do something. Sigh.  I mean we all have perfect worlds -I do, mom does, but I sometimes get the feeling that she doesn’t acknowledge that fact.

I am definitely having a hard time being fair in this.  And the whole “I don’t think that you can really put the scot and her fiance on the same level” is rather hard, because if the scot remains in the family for years, then guess what? Same level. And No, I don’t have a ring on my finger, but I do know when we are planning to have kids.  And really - if she doesn’t want him around will she ever change this point of view? Or 10 years from now will I be calling mom and going “the scot and I want to come for Christmas with the kids, but since we’re coming from England we need to know if sis will be there with her family, because we really don’t want to have to bend to her wishes and stay in a hotel.” I think I might be a little bitter, but hey, it could definitely happen. And wow, wouldn’t that make mom feel like crap?

Of course the scot is being a doll about all of this and acting much more mature than me.  This is because he’s seeing it as a micro social experiment, and I’m seeing it as once again having my sister try to manipulate everything to her fit her desires and view of the world. Not to mention as her insulting the scot - if she’s even bothered to look at it from that angle.  I have no idea how her fiance is looking at it.  I would’ve thought he’d be relieved to know their was going to be another non-family member here, but I could be wrong - it’ll be interesting to see how he handles my sister’s need for control and sameness in the next few years.

Still - in all of this my poor Mom is stuck feeling like the bad guy because she made the mistake of being a mother her children would talk to and ask support from and expect to be able to make everything perfect.  It is unfair and yet, we’re just going to keep doing it because guess what? You have a problem the first thing you do is call Mom.  Unless its technical or cooking related - then you call Dad.  Dad is of course oblivious to the whole sibling rivalry mess - its a talent I wish I’d inherited. But, I mean really, maybe she should just run away with Dad for Christmas and us two kids with our respective men can stay home and duke it out.

My brother has of course taken the intelligent route and will not be bringing his wife (or himself) home for Christmas.

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